Filgrimage 2016: And So It Begins.

After months of planning, Skype meetings, in-person meetings, learning new names to an all-new team, 3 and a half hours to LAX, a 12 hour flight to Guam, a 3 hour flight to Manila, to finally finally finally be HOME after two years.

Man, it feels so good to be back, and on my 22nd birthday, no less.

So much has changed since my first trip in April 2014. I became Vice Chairperson of AB Samahan. I grew a lot through that experience. I got more involved in our beautiful community. I joined other organizations. I got my heart broken... twice. I didn't become Chairperson. I've started and restarted my personal healing process. I'm on my way to graduating in May. My little sister started going to San Diego State with me. I'm no longer the wide-eyed girl from 2014, but I'm hoping that I'm still the whole-hearted Filipino I discovered the last time I was here. I just need to find her again.

It's strange to be here with an almost brand-new cast of beautiful people, but the story is still the same. We're all just... trying to find our roots again. The crazy thing is my best friend from high school, Roxanne, is here. Maybe that's why it hasn't truly hit me yet that I'm really back here. It feels like home, and with my best friend by my side, it feels just like shenanigans from back home.

I'll talk more about the people as I get to know them. In the meantime, we have an incredible itinerary including visiting and volunteering at fishing and farming villages, as well as planting coral and harvesting sea salt??? APPARENTLY WE'RE ALSO RE-VISITING THE VILLAGES FROM LAST TIME. I'M SO EXCITED.

Though we're staying more Manila-based, I'm excited for the first-timers, the same way I was excited as a first-timer, to just absorb and love this country and community for what it is and what it could be. I'm trying to soak in the happiness this place brings to me. America can be a little daunting, and I need to carry home with me.

On a less serious note, I have a LOT of pasalubong to buy, ahah. From toasted pastillas to barrel men and barrel women, and everything in between. <3 If you're reading this, I'm thinking of you fondly and wishing you were here! It's time for me to enjoy myself. More reflection-y stuff to come!

The REAL Candles speech.

The morning after the Debut <3

On August 22nd, 2015, my sister, Eileen Reyes Vedar, had her debut. It was a first for our family, since I didn't have one myself. I was her emcee and her DJ, and the choreographer for the big group waltz-y dance in the beginning.

It was an amazing night.

The beginning, however, was absolutely insane. I had to run sound and video checks when we got to the venue, but we started with nothing. Once the projector and speaker systems were explained, we had to figure out where I would sit to make everything happen, since the original plan wouldn't work. Once we worked out that I would just sit by the projector with a laptop plugged into the speakers, the next problem was that the video was laggy.

So we needed a different connector cable, which nobody had. Cue the semi-frantic calls everywhere as we fall further and further behind schedule. This goes on right until the minute people start arriving. If sound wasn't working, video was. If video wasn't working, sound was. People had different cuts and downloads of music that just weren't downloading, videos weren't playing, it was a huge technological mess. BUT AT THE LAST SECOND, everything worked out fine. Sweet! Sigh of relief, let's welcome the world in.

So the debut continues on. The guests arrive, the big beginning dance goes well, the trivia game works out, the food is bomb, and the ice cream bar is off the hook. Then comes the Candles speeches.

Everyone. is crying.

Eileen is this incredible person, who has impacted so many lives. Of course there are emotional, teary Candles speeches. However, this continues to put us behind schedule. Whoops. But I'm last. I wanted it to count, but I ended up winging it instead. I played Spirited Away in the background and start to cry. She's so wonderful, so beautiful, and she's my little sister. Other people can see her as their sister, either as an older or younger one, but at the end of the day, I was there for her since day 1. The Candles speech I said emphasized that I will always be there for her. If I actually thought ahead of time, every part of my speech would have had a pun. However, in a more heartfelt fashion, this is the Candles speech I wanted to give.

Tonight, my Candles speech comes in 3 parts: Thank you, I love you, and I'm sorry.

 Eileen, it's obvious that you do so much for so many people. But I'm not thanking you for what you've done for me, because we have our whole lives to have that give and take of doing things for each other. I want to thank you for being yourself. I want to thank you for being honest when it comes to how you think about things, like how every day is a blessing. Thank you for trying tinikling for the debut, and for being really good at it! Thank you for the 4am sunrise donut runs and the 10pm boba runs. Thank you for letting me be me, and rant about whatever at random times. Thanks for always making me laugh, even when I don't think I can. Thank you for being an amazing human being, thank you for living every day to the fullest, even if your body doesn't let you sometimes. Thank you for giving me about 18-19 new siblings I never knew I wanted. But thank you for being my OG little sister. 

I hope you realize that I love you, and I mean that so much. I love how weird you are, how sassy you can be, even though it's super annoying sometimes. I loved watching you grow from "Eileen, Erin Nicole's sister" to  "Eileen, principal cellist" or "Eileen, badass badminton player" or "Eileen, ruler of Key Club." You make your own name for yourself. You're a million times more fashionable that I could ever be, and you're everything I could never be. I love that about you. Everyone's right, you will do incredible things when you grow up, but you're already doing incredible things now. 

I'm sorry if I'm not the best sister. I'm sorry if sometimes it seems like I'm not there for you. I don't even know if you entirely need me. I'm sorry for all the times this debut frustrated us and we got real annoyed with each other. But I want you to know that I am always going to be here, I'm always going to care. That's why I get annoying with dumb questions, or weird misunderstandings, or whatever. I want you to live your life knowing there's someone out there who cares about you and loves you. Even if it feels like everything is going wrong, or you feel entirely alone, I need you to know that you're never alone. I'm always going to be a text message, or four steps across the hall, or even a lot of loud banging on our shared wall away. Tete's always going to have your back, and I would do literally anything to make you happy.  

We've been through your whole life together. Every up and down and weird pit stop, our journey of life has always been intertwined somehow. So don't ever worry about me leaving you, because you're stuck with me forever. Happy 18th, Eileen. To this, and many more together.  

"I haven't seen you in a while."

It's been a little too long since I've been able to write on this blog again.

It's been about 1 year and 4 months since that fateful first-time trip to the Philippines, and as always, life is ever-changing. My junior year as Vice Chairperson of AB Samahan was wonderfully fulfilling, insanely busy, and it really pushed me to the edge of who I am as a person. My priorities shifted heavily when I treated my position in the organization almost like a job, and I almost forgot to value myself as a person. When I started exploring myself by joining other organizations, I worried about losing touch with my roots. When I ran for Chairperson of AB Samahan and lost, I thought I had lost it all.

The truth is, I didn't.

It's true, I am currently not on an Executive Board or Committee for any organization. This will be a first since my freshman year, and I'm now going into my graduating senior year. However, the lack of a title does not stop me from making an impact. It took me a really long time to realize that, because at the start of summer, Samahan was my everything. It's still an organization that's given me so much of who I am today, but now it's a supplement to me, not everything I am.

It's my last summer as an undergraduate at SDSU. During this summer, I've explored different avenues of leadership and community, gone outside the realm of AB Samahan, and really tried to dig down deep in who I am, who I want to surround myself with, and most importantly, where I'm going.

There's a few things I know.

1) I want to go to grad school after I graduate Spring 2016, particularly the Community-Based Block program at SDSU. They don't treat me like a number, they treat me like a person, and the alumni I've seen come out of that program create change in the community in ways I've never seen before. Getting a Master's Degree in Multi-cultural Counseling and Social Justice sounds like everything I want to learn in life. I'm passionate about helping others in the community, ESPECIALLY on the multi-cultural level, because we're all different and unique in our cultures, and when it comes to mental health, that should DEFINITELY be a factor when it comes to care and approaches.

2) I want to be surrounded by good people that love me for me. I want to put work into meaningful relationships and friendships, the kind I'll be keeping for the rest of my life. I'm not hard to reach, and I'm trying my best to be as open as possible with people. I love getting to know people and gaining new insights and experiences, but the biggest priority with me is that people are genuine. I try my hardest to listen before judging, and I hardly find myself judging people in the first place. I want to be as good a friend to others as they are to me.

3) I love my family so much. My mom and sister have been with me through so much, and now with Eileen going to college at SDSU with me, I want them to know that I will always have been and always will be here for them. They mean the world to me.

4) I am Filipino-American. That's a strong driving force in my will to continue on. The feeling of that self-discovery, the power of that epiphany all the way back in the Philippines, is the feeling I want so many people to feel in their own right about their own cultures.

The reason above is why I've begun writing again. It's time to explore, dig deep, and really start examining the world through a lens outside of college. It's bigger than me, or the person reading this, it's as big as we make of it.

Today, I had some really incredible meetings. I'm helping the Center for Intercultural Relations at SDSU create a set of events for Filipino American History Month in October. I walked in with that priority, and walked out with the possibility of incorporating and representing Filipino culture in any and all aspects possible on campus. However, during that meeting, I got a phone call from my sister.

Eileen: I haven't seen you in over 36 hours. Are you okay?
Me: Yeah, I just had a meeting. You want to hang out or something?
Eileen: I have debut practice.
Me: I'll be home as soon as I can, when I'm done with other meetings. Can you help me with some event planning things?
Eileen: Yeah, I can, just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Me: Yeah, I'm good. Did you eat?

Conversations like this, these little things, this keeps me going. I get to combine the things I love and involve the people I love to make something that could impact lives. I love it. I can't wait to do more.

I am Filipino.

Throughout my life, I've had my share of hardships. I divulged these hardships the night of the trip that we all shared our stories, our backgrounds, our reasons for coming on the trip, and what we're getting out of it. Of course, I cried. If you know me, I cry when I feel heavy amounts of passion toward something or emotion about something. My tears don't come from weakness, they come from strength. I cry because my heart is so full, my will is so strong, that I can't help but cry.

My journey up to this point in my life has lead me through some dark places, and in that darkness, when I felt most alone, I had nothing to fall back on. There were times where I found nothing to live for, and I got very low. There have been times of depressive episodes and anxiety attacks, and still, I pressed on in my life, looking for new reasons to live, to try and feel complete, to hope and pray that one day I'll wake up and be whole.

I used to live for other people's happiness before my own. I would thrive off of the energy and happiness of other people, so I would foster it in others rather than myself. I know, I know. "You can't care about others unless you care about yourself first." I made do for the last 20 years, I thought, "This is what I'll dedicate my life to, making others happy, helping people on their journeys, being someone to help and be there, no matter what." It was a strong motivation for being a drum major in band, for joining AB Samahan in college, for being a psychology major and aspiring to be a therapist for teenagers.

The key word there is was. Now, because of this trip and everything I've seen and felt, my heart is strong. I wake up in the morning and I feel whole. My heart beats hard, with all the passion for people as before, for the country I love and find my roots in, for the life I want to live, giving back to the Filipino people, to help rebuild and sustain our culture and country. I want to teach the kids from that GK village, I want to go there for a month in the summer or something and teach them music and dance. I want to get them uniforms, I want to find them chances to perform when they are ready.

I want to see the Philippines get back on the map, not just through a rockstar boxer, a famous singer, or lumpia (no matter how good it is). The Philippines will make the comeback of the century, rising from the damages of years of colonization and corruption and natural disasters. When Filipinos are knocked down, we get back up, we regroup, we rebuild, we start over. When we have nothing, we have each other, we have ourselves, we have hope. This is what makes Filipinos so special, this is what passes from generation to generation, something that isn't taught, but something we are innately born with.

These are the things that make all Filipinos, One Filipino.

This is what makes me, Erin Nicole Reyes Vedar. I am Filipino, and I am proud. I am whole. I am me, and I aspire to do great things for a great community of people. I'm part of something bigger than myself, and it means the world to me, I will do whatever I can to help progress and rebuild the Filipino nation. When I fall, I have this cultural identity to bring me back up and get me back on my feet and send me running again. I've found this missing piece of me, hidden in plain sight in my motherland, in the smiles of children who play how I did, in the determination and strength of people I've never met but share so much in common with.

This is what matters to me.

Home safe.

We're back and beautifully tanned! 

Today, on April 22, our fantastic Team GK-USA arrived back in California. There's a million things I want to write about my final thoughts on this experience and what happens from here, but I really need to sleep. <3 Much love to everyone who's been reading thus far! If you want to hit the share on Facebook button over there, share my story if you think it's worthy! 

Happy Easter!

If you're in San Diego reading this, Happy Easter early!

So I guess Good Friday was the last day of village touring. It's been an educating and enlightening last few days. I finally figured out what it means to be Filipino, and that I've been Filipino all my life, in everything I do and everything I am. On a basic cultural level, there is no difference between me, or Savvy, or Tony Olaes, or the hundreds of Filipinos I've gotten to meet. We are all one Filipino people, we all come from the same roots. It's going to take a long time to truly unite, but with these connections, we're on the right track.

I'm part of something so much bigger than me. In AB Samahan, in band, in the Filipino culture, on this trip. I love this feeling, of contributing to something incredible. Whether it's a field show, or an event, or simply finding myself culturally or helping people who need it, I always feel rewarded and like I'm doing something worth living for. This trip has helped me see the commonalities in Filipinos and Filipino-Americans. It's incredible to know that I share connections and things in common with people who live on the opposite end of the Pacific Ocean.

My heart beats so hard with pride, for who I have learned I am and for the country I love, the motherland I come from, the Philippines. I'm so motivated to live my life to the greatest and fullest and ESPECIALLY to give back to the country that's awarded me with so much.

On Friday night, we all gathered for dinner, and one by one, shared our stories. Our pasts, what this trip has meant to us, what we've learned. It was a huge reflection for all of us, to connect with each other and really show how far we've come since this trip started. Each and every person's story had beauty, and hardship, but in the end, we have hope. That's what being Filipino is. Not just endurance or resilience, but hope.

Conversations.

I have had pretty much the best conversations associated with this trip. The people on this trip are the kind of people who are fairly like-minded, in that we all want to help progress the Filipino community, and we value our culture.

Marty Lorenzo, a pretty intense corporate lawyer, and a Marine, told me that everyone here on this trip is here for a reason, and that this whole trip was meant to be. We had a pretty amazing heart-to-heart kind of conversation around 3 AM before we left Cavite to go to Tacloban. He left the trip early to go back to the States, for his son, who is becoming an Eagle Scout on Saturday. Marty is incredibly caring, geeky (HE MADE A HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY REFERENCE TO THE RESTAURANT AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE WHAAAAT NOBODY DOES THAT; also, Star Wars references and Disney songs for days), and I'm really happy that I can call him Kuya as opposed to Uncle. He's someone I can go to for an unbiased, but genuine, perspective. It's really weird to think that he was once an interrogator for the Marine Corps. He's a hardcore guy.

Levin Sy knows everything about everyone, all the time. He's a very strong and strategic activist for Filipino rights, ever since he went to college at UCLA. He was able to pretty much take over the student government from the fraternities that usually took it over, with a completely ethnic org-based slate. He used months of planning, fundraising, strategizing, and finally succeeded. The way he thinks is always in "the bigger picture" and Levin sees all and knows how to work a room, how to call people out to improve them, and especially how to make sure that everyone is fed and safe and okay. He's the kind of person I want to be around forever, because he constantly has my back, I never have to worry.

Rob, Reina, and Warren Bonta are an incredible family. Rob is the first Fil-Am Assemblyman, Reina has her own nonprofit org that donates soccer equipment to kids in need, and Warren has lived through so many historical moments, his life would be the most interesting memoir. The fact that they are able to come out to the Philippines, even though they're all crazy busy, and explore our homeland together, and appreciate it so much, it's incredible. I wish I had spent more time with them, since we met up with them in Tacloban, and they're leaving tonight. Well, not Warren. Warren's with us.

Dean is Rob's Chief of Staff. He's funny, and an awesome person to talk to, and he's been able to reconnect with a lot of his family members in the area, it's been amazing. It turns out that most places we go, he meets someone from his family that he's never met before. Unfortunately, we weren't able to go to Guiuan, due to rain and mud, and he missed out on visiting his grandmother's hometown nearby, but it means he'll have to take another trip. I feel like we did so much on this trip but we could do so much more. I can't wait to come back to the Philippines, hopefully with this group again.

Willy Santos, his wife Shelley, Trisha, DJ Bautista, and Uncle Pete are also incredible people. Oh, and Mike. I'm not sure when he arrived. I think Uncle Pete owns a cable company here? He donated free cable to two Gawad Kalinga villages, without a second thought. Once those villages are completed, they'll have cable as well. That's just so uplifting. Willy Santos, everytime he sees a skateboarder here, he's so chill about going up to them and taking pictures and giving them free things. The work he's been doing to support typhoon relief here is nothing short of amazing. I don't know enough about this group of people, but they're amazingly successful and I wish I could get to know them better.

Perla and her son, Zach joined us in Tacloban. Ate Perla is thoughtful, kind, and so good with children. She looks out for us, she's so open and incredible, and I absolutely love her. Her son, Zach has a long way to go, social skills-wise, but it's okay. He plays mad piano, his humor is sarcastic as anyone I know, and he's a great kid. Zach is cool. I wish I had more time to spend with them, because I think they're leaving tomorrow.

Derek and Deejay are the videographers. I got to be Derek's sound person for a little bit in Tacloban. Though their role here was videographer, they both have so much heart. Their lives have been battles, just like everyone else here. They're hilarious, and fun, and they look out for our trifecta of girls... I can't say enough about them. This trip would not have been this much fun without them. I adore everyone who came on this trip, and made me feel welcomed and important, as if I'm their equal. Everyone on this trip, I have the privilege of calling them Ate or Kuya, and that is amazing.

Tony Olaes is the reason we are all here, together. His vision of a united Filipino people is inspiring, and his passion is unparalleled. His life has changed so drastically in the last few years, and he has become such a giving and wonderful person. Everything he thinks about comes back to the Philippines, to helping families rebuild homes, to helping Filipinos get jobs, to bringing typhoon relief. As an entrepreneur, as a businessman, he's pretty awesome. As a kuya, as a friend, he's incredibly laidback and fun. I'm so grateful to have met someone like him.

Jen, Savvy, and I make the trifecta! We traveled here together, we've stuck together, we've gone through this incredible journey together. We make fun of Deejay and D-Rock, we explore our culture, and we've had each other's backs. I'm so happy that I get to share this amazing experience with these extraordinary ladies. Even though the things we've taken away from the trip have been different, our journey together is one we can really connect with, and I know I can go to these ladies for anything.

KUYA RICO IS AMAZING. KUYA RICO IS SERIOUSLY THE GREATEST PERSON EVER. He coordinates all of our travel, our meals, our itinerary; he's so organized and pleasant and at the end of the day, he still finds a way to relaaax. He and Levin make a great team. Rico is a loving father of two girls, and he cares so much about everyone, and he doesn't care about how people feel about his accent. I love his accent, I think it's so distinctly him. When I first talked to or emailed Rico, I thought he was all business.

Turns out nobody on this trip is like that. As intense and successful everyone is professionally, when it's time to come back to our roots and reconnect with each other, these people are so full of heart and soul. I'm so honored to have been on this trip with them.