AB Samahan's 31st Filipino Culture Night: Kilala Mo Ba Ako? - A Simpy Post by Me

There it goes, my last FCN. I owe so much of my college experience to FCN, as it was the reason I even came to Samahan in spring semester of my Freshman year. Ate Jess's Intindihin Mo Ako sparked my interest in learning more about my Filipino-American identity, through allowing me to perform in something bigger than myself. I felt included, I met so many incredible Ate's and Kuya's, and I finally started getting that college experience everyone talked about. My love for FCN evolved into a love for AB Samahan at SDSU, and after my first trip to the Philippines, it evolved into my passion for Filipino culture.

I've done 4 consecutive FCNs, and have seen the good, the bad, the crazy, the late night rehearsals, the all-day rehearsals, the blood/sweat/tears but also the heart and soul that goes into these amazing productions. In my experience, I have tapped Singkhil, danced a Maria Clara piece in a Timeline dance, played cello to an original song, acted as a middle child, sang "For the Longest Time," a Filipino version of "Be Our Guest" as well as a serenading version of "Kiss the Girl," danced Tinikling for the first time and tapped top cross sticks, was a hot girl extra in the infamous Bar scene, danced Tinikling as a modern team watching a cultural video, floated across the stage as Sayaw sa Singkhil Princess, and even danced as one of the girls in Kappa Malong Malong. All my FCN experiences, while each was entirely unique, only inspired me to keep going, to keep looking for my culture, to invite others to do the same, to perform and tell the story of our people.

This year, I was lucky enough to go to the Philippines again around my birthday, and even luckier to dance in the flashback Swing piece with Lolo and Lola, the hiphop piece for the first time in the GBM scene, Subli in the Rural Suite, and finally, end it all with a killer Tinikling piece that I was fortunate enough to choreograph. Even when I missed the Philippines upon my return to the US, FCN helped ease me back into life here. My cultural heart bleeds for these days, where I feel so at home, even though home can feel so unstable or out of place. This semester has been a rollercoaster of amazing highs and insane lows. I went to the Philippines with an incredible new group of people, which I still have to blog about. Family shenanigans came up. I didn't get into my dream grad school program. I picked up twin boy Adings and Littles in Samahan and APO, and they're so much more than I expected. I'm graduating, which is both amazing and terrifying. People have come and gone, life has been constantly happening, the wind still flows through our hair.

This semester was so difficult. Some days were so difficult to get through. There were times where I sped through the obstacles and times where I wanted to quit... but there's a special set of people that somehow kept me going, week after week, rehearsal after rehearsal, leading up to the beautiful performance on April 8. I feel like some of them believe that I kept them going, but the reality is I got up for practice every Sunday and Wednesday just to see them. Okay, there's technically many people I should thank for the last semester, but I want to put special emphasis on this year's Tinikling Fam.

Fam, we did it. Every time I rewatch the Rural Suite, watching Deejay get fangirled on and the ribbons fly in Subli, watching our boys spot for Bangko and staring in disbelief at our well-placed feet as we seamlessly transition from Rubix Cube to the Teases, I well up with pride (which doesn't happen often). I would do anything to live in the moment of our hearts beating together, our hands tapping together, our feet lifting together, as one. When I set the sticks down with Bryan, and felt the music coming from those bothersome speakers on stage enveloping us in the tempo, I couldn't help but grin and cheer as I knew, I just knew that we were going to nail the performance. I didn't have to worry about everyone else. For my last dance for my last FCN, I got to perform as myself, knowing that each and every one of you had my back, just as I had yours. I didn't even have to look down for the start of the Rubix Cube section. I didn't have to shout "LISTEN" at the tappers. It just came together seamlessly. I looked up, smiled, and danced my heart out.

The rehearsals leading up to the performance are ones that I look upon fondly. There was Disney Eurobeat warm-ups, warm cheese rolls or hashbrowns, so much laughter, experimenting, running, SO. MUCH. SCREAMING, in triumph when we FINALLY got the Rubix Cube figured out, in pain when we got clapped or stepped on, in frustration when the sticks just didn't line up with our feet, but it was ALL SO WORTH IT WHEN WE FREAKING KILLED THAT PERFORMANCE. The magical thing about our group was that we never passively blamed each other. If anything, we got mad at ourselves. There were so many times that a mistake was made and someone took a lap around the bottom of PS3 in an attempt to blow off steam. I expected us to yell at each other. I expected passive comments to pick up your feet. But we were so full of hope, of encouragement. "No, you're good! We're good!" "How can we help you?" "What do you need?" "Do we need to break it down more?" "Take a break. Did you eat today?" Every practice had so much encouragement for each other. We never blamed each other because we all knew that every single one of us were working as hard as possible to get the work down, to take all the constructive criticism, to take every "and a" seriously. I have never seen such a united, humble, hard working group of individuals.

It's been so long since I have been so close to a group of dancers. I'm so happy to have this unique Tinikling Fam this year. I think of all the moments that this group could have been different, and am grateful that everything worked out as it was meant to. I wouldn't have it any other way.

To Lesleah, aka The Tease - Girl, I have been doing FCNs with you since my Freshman year when you were a Singkhil Dancer and I, a confused tapper trying not to clap you with giant bamboo sticks. You're gorgeous, light on your feet, hardworking, and always there for me and everyone else. I can always count on you to run a rehearsal for me, to have the work down, to have immense amounts of patience with individual help, to be able to get things done. I couldn't have made this season work without you, and I'm so happy to have danced every FCN with you. Thank you for star folding, girl talk, shittalking at rehearsals, and reminiscing the memories of past FCNs. I'm gonna miss your ability to get Andrew to smile, your lotion-scented nail polish, the way you're always prepared on show day with tons of hair and makeup stuff. It really wouldn't be FCN unless you were there, and I'm so glad you came back for our last.

To Andrew, aka Andrew-senpai <3 - I'm sad that I never tried actually getting to know you until now. We have also danced almost every FCN together, but you're always so quiet and so good at what you do. I was always a little intimidated and a little too busy to get close. I'm happy for that night we went to Denny's after practice with everyone and that you humored me as I asked a billion questions about just who you are, ahah. I'm glad we all realized you're full Filipino even though you're the biggest Japanese fan ever. There's a reason you're Senpai, and I hope you appreciate that LOL. I am so so happy you did Tinikling again this year, and I'm so happy you stepped out of your comfort zone to embrace the actual dancing as well as the dancing in the sticks. I hope it was all worth it, man. Seeing a smile on your face literally lights up my day.

To Ading AJ, aka The Baon - I was so excited when you started out being down for this dance, Ading... but even though your foot prevented you from dancing with us, you still went to every single practice. I absolutely mean it, you are as part of this tinikling fam as the rest of us. You have tapped pretty much every part, you've been stepped on more times than I can count, but you never gave up on us. You helped me teach and tap for people when I was juggling the teaching of every part to every person and I can't thank you enough, Ading. Thank you for adding to the screaming, for putting up with all my crazy, and yes, even yelling "BAONNN!!" instead of Tinikling Fam. :P You started the FCN season as someone I called Ading, but I never expected to actually end up picking you up with your Twin about halfway through. I'm so glad I did. You are a lifesaver, and I mean it. You listen to me rant, you carried me to my car when I couldn't walk after hell week rehearsals, you're always there for me. I can't imagine getting through the insanity of this semester without you by my side, my dearest Ading. Please know that I am always, always, always gonna be here for you. No matter what. I love youuu. :D

To Ading Deejay, aka 5 Dollar Footlong - Even though I just met you at Friendship Games, I knew you were gonna be my Ading. I just didn't realize you were gonna be someone to help carry me when I couldn't walk, to bring cheese rolls when our practice needed food, to get the sticks time and time again because seriously, your truck and your generous helping personality are a lifesaver. Deejay, thank you for deciding to do tinikling when dance sign-ups came around, even if I literally had to drag you and Franz to the board. Thank you for never giving up even though you were the first to get clapped. Thank you for sticking with the crazy practices, for practicing basics when you were sick, for always keeping us laughing, and for being so down for the fam. Thank you for the talks in your truck, the infinite amount of good hugs, and for buying food for your poor, starving Ate. I'm hoping you're gonna be someone to choreograph future Tinikling pieces. I'm so excited for all you'll do with Samahan. Even though I'm graduating, I'm always gonna be a text away, Ading.

To Ading Franz, aka The White Mage - Seriously, we could not have survived without you. You brought so much food to practice, constantly making sure we were alive and well enough to keep going, having blankets and the savior mom van to hold the sticks as well as all the dancers when we were tired between Sunday practices. I know how hard you worked to get the work down but when you got it, GIRL YOU GOT IT I WAS SO PROUD WHEN WE FLAWLESSLY PULLED TOGETHER THE RUBIX CUBE!! AND THE FAST PART OH MY GOD YOU BEAUTIFUL CREATURE I'M SO PROUD for your first Tinikling piece, you did so much and handled it with so much grace and class. Thank you so much, for everything you did, for everything you're down to do for this tiny Tinikling fam, and for sticking around, even though it seemed like a mountain of work. We conquered that shiz, and I see a future for you choreographing this dance for FCNs to come. You're witty, sarcastic, savage af, nerdy as all hell, and I'm so happy you were in this dance. Curfew or no curfew, church or no church, we made it work.

To Ading Patrick, aka DON'T RUB PAT - Our Hmong brother from another mother, who blended in seamlessly with the Filipinos. :p you're definitely an honorary Filipino for surviving tinikling with us. Thank you, thank you, thank you for agreeing to get pulled in hella last minute a good... like month before the performance? When I see you in the videos, I think of how far you've come learning this dance. You worked so hard to get over the little quirks that held you back, to really embrace the work it takes to master it, and I'm so proud of what you did on that stage at FCN. You recovered amazingly and kept smiling throughout. I never expected so much heart from you, especially for a culture and people that weren't your own, but I'm so glad to have gotten to know you in the last month of practices, parties, shenanigans, late nights, geez. Thank you so much, Ading, for everything you do.

To Ading Rachelle, aka The Reaper of Souls - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAYING YES TO JOINING THIS DANCE LAST MINUTE, LITERALLY OVER THE PHONE, LOL. Thank you for picking up the work quickly (seriously, picking up everything for your first time doing tinikling and in a couple weeks?!!?) and putting up with my stressed out craziness, thank you for not giving up on us, and being a strong independent tinikling dancer who don't need no consistent partner, ahahah! Seriously, I am in awe of you. I hope you had fun with this dance. I hope you reaped many souls. I'm so incredibly grateful that you were down to be the girl that completed our set of dancers. Seeing your form look so good across the sticks, I was so freaking proud as I saw your hops land lightly onstage. I know I threw a lot of instruction at you in a stressed-out frenzy, but I'm so grateful that you were able to catch it all and make it work. <3

To Ading Mitchell, aka he doesn't even go here - I remember when you first started doing tinikling. I mostly remember that part of the triangle where I'd be tapping as you ran around. Never knew what you did in the triangle, but I know you ended up dancing in my pair of sticks, lol. Your Samahan journey makes me so happy, because I've seen you grow so much and love this community and culture almost as much as you love bread. Ading, thank you for the amazing Ading pairs you graced me with this year, firstly. But thank you also for coming in last minute and being understanding when costume complications at the last minute caused shenanigans. You're totally welcome to dance with us if more chances arise, I know you're good for it. You're incredibly patient, occasionally very savage, but a wholehearted and hardworking Ading. You've come a long way since your first FCN, and I'm so excited for whatever you do next. I'll always be cheering you on!

To Nico, aka nicowuzhere - I think back to the first time we met, talking shit at the bottom of PS3 with Mar after a weird tinikling performance and I'm happy to have met you. We've been through a lot of interesting times in the last couple years, and you're someone I want to make proud someday, through dancing, even though your standards are sky high. You always seem to dance with me last minute, from Singkhil Prince last year to popping into tinikling this year, literally the week of the show. Thank you so much, for working so hard making all the freaking costumes, and for always being someone I can vent to, even if we don't talk all the time, or I'm not in Convoy when you're bored. ;P Thanks for helping figure out the Rubix Cube that one Sunday, and eating all my fries. Even though you didn't want to be hella involved, we always seem to pull you back in. I'm grateful. Productions wouldn't be the same without you.

To Ading Jaslyn, aka I'M LAUGHED - The first time we tried to pull you into tinikling was after hiphop, I think. We were running hiphop anyway, and I was slightly stressed out of my mind. I definitely think I might have scared you a lot when teaching basics and stuff for the first time, and I'm really sorry for that, LOL. I'm literally SO HAPPY that you decided to come back and take on the challenge of learning this dance. You picked it up so fast, I'm insanely impressed. You never gave up on this dance, you were always down to find ways to improve, and your catch-up and pick-up game is hella strong. Seriously, you were so integrated with us, and I was so familiar with your parents, that I didn't even realize that you didn't go to State, LOL. Seriously, I'm so impressed with all you did for your first FCN. Hip-hop, subli, AND tinikling? You owned that so hard. Your parents might be proud of how you did, but I'm twice as proud from working with you and seeing you grow from being unsure of yourself to being able to own center sticks like a freaking expert.

To Timm, aka The Celt - You have come so far in the last two years. I have never seen someone embrace API orgs as wholeheartedly and avidly as you. I am so in awe of all the things you do. Treasurer for FACES and AAPIC, dancer for FTS and PISA concurrently with FCN, and seriously, like a million other things I can't think of rn. I'm so glad you wore that Ilocano shirt with the Filipino jacket in English class, because I can't imagine all these organizations without you. You're this bright light shining on everything you're a part of. You're always trying, you're tirelessly going from event to event, rehearsal to rehearsal, putting your heart and soul in everything you do. You embrace both your Filipino and American halves so fully, it's inspiring and beautiful. I'm gonna take you to the Philippines someday, just watch. Thank you for being this excitable, out of focus nerd at practices but still getting your shit down. I'm honored to graduate with you, I'm honored to have seen you grow with every org you join and event you're a part of. Thank you, Timm, for teaching me to accept the kindness by offering me so much of it. I hope someday to repay you.

To Roxanne, aka Pop Rox - DUDE I'M SO HAPPY YOU DECIDED TO FINALLY DO AN FCN WITH ME. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING DOWN TO DO THIS THING THAT I'VE BEEN DOING THE LAST THREE YEARS. Thank you for doing all these Filipino things with me the last like, three months. Seriously, having you on the Filgrimage made the trip feel more like home because we were up to our usual shenanigans. THEN having you in tinikling with me felt so much like guard. Even though work schedules sucked, you picked up everything I threw at you and put up with my dumb weird shiz literally all the time. I appreciate you so much. I introduce you to everyone as my high school best friend but like. You're stuck with me forever, dude. High school and beyond. It feels weird to be graduating because with you, I feel just as carefree and stupid as we were in high school. I'm happy to always have you by my side, to the Philippines and FCN and beyond. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for sticking with me after all this time. Being able to put together my favorite dance with my best friend? It was a dream come true, and an absolute honor. You mean the world to me.

To Ading Justin, aka This Just In - It's weird to think that we've known of each other for a year, since you went to my 21st birthday party, but I've only really known you since Friendship Games. Tamara and Chelsea kept calling you Ading Lawdy? Lardy? Dude I don't know, but I didn't expect you to pop up at my tinikling practice with the Mira Mesa boys. The last month and a half of practices, I didn't expect to get to know you this well. I have so much appreciation and love and respect for you, Ading. You have so much going on in that flippy-haired head of yours, but you still helped with teaching Patrick, you still have immense amounts of patience to keep breaking down choreo when I get frustrated, you are still taking care of people at parties while I'm freaking out or handling other people, LOL. You've become kinda like my right hand man, dude. We're together so much LOL. You do so much. You've picked me up from weird places at weird times. You're always there for people who need you. For this, I want to be that for you. Whether you call me Ate or not, I will always call you Ading, meaning I will always be here for you. Just one call away, right? <3

and last but not least,

To my partner, Bryan, aka The Banshee of Tinikling - I'm writing this while listening to the Rural Suite, and yes, you're currently sitting in my living room. Again. :P The moment we set the sticks down, and as I mentioned before, I felt the music envelope us in tempo, I looked up at you and smiled, and entered this spirit of total happiness (which was why I blanked out a few times, SORRY LOL). At the first practice, you were this tiny boy that I thought was a freshman, scared out of his mind at the thought of going through the bamboo as it was moving, from a traumatic experience from your younger days. A few practices later, when I made the partners, you ended up stuck with me. I don't think I did that on purpose, but I'm glad I did. I hoped to be able to help you conquer your fears. I was solid in being able to do this dance, and I'm literally so proud of how much you grew with this dance. From screaming every single time you messed up, to being able to help me make choreo, to being not only quiet during runs of the song, but confident in the work. The last few months of FCN practices transformed you. You're so much more... you. I have so much to thank you for. You and the other Mira Mesa boys have seen me through so much shit the last few weeks. Maraming salamat, for talking to me in tagalog so I can learn, for helping me figure out choreo late at night, for loving this dance as much as I do, for being there for me when I had my grad school rejection breakdown, for being there for dumb drama or when I was feeling down. For helping me teach at every rehearsal, and for never giving up on this dance, or the dancers, or yourself, or me. Thank you for giving me a piece of home by being yourself. Dancing with you feels easy, normal. It's not strained or difficult, even though there were some times I definitely wanted to strangle you. When I remember this tinikling piece, the last performance of my last FCN, the first I've ever choreographed, I will always remember finally seeing my partner during the performance, and soaking in every beautiful moment of my favorite dance. The moment of seamlessly getting the Rubix Cube down, of completing the fast part, of every smile, every step, right down to my foot catching the stick at the end. I couldn't have done it without you. I'm happy to have met you, and happy to have come this far with you.

Of course, shoutout to the Coco's and the dance coordinator, my Ading Mar, for allowing me the honor of choreographing this dance. There may have been some bumps, but in the end, everything worked out. Thank you so much for an amazing production and for everything you do. Twin, I'm always gonna be here for you, no matter how busy you think I am. I'm a text away. Hannah, thank you for being so understanding of situations. Your level-headedness and understanding show so much maturity for your position, and it meant a lot to me. Ading Mar, thank you for pushing me to be better. Thank you for supporting me always, even if "support" didn't come in the form I was expecting. You ladies are three beautiful, powerful people that I look up to. There aren't enough words, actions, or anything to thank you for the monumental work you did for all this greatness.

Choreographing this tinikling piece meant a lot to me, because as I've said, it's my favorite dance. I connect with it so much, how resilient the dancers have to be to get it down, how intricate and united the group has to be with the music, the sticks, each other. This piece was me. The first four 8-counts to honor my past - Ate Pia, who choreographed my past two tinikling dances. The Rubix Cube to combine a fusion of Filipino cultural moves with American show-offyness, an extension of how I embrace my culture but connect it with my rebellious Americanized upbringing, my present. The same-side choreo to present how incredible the dancers were, how much joy goes into this dance. The hops and kneels to really make them fly, and finally, the fast part. That fast part was a demonstration of how much potential we had, our future. I never asked these dancers to do anything they couldn't do. I laid out the dance for them, a good two or three weeks before the show and told them, "If there's anything you just can't get down, we will change it. But I know you can do this." and they did. The dance was no longer just me, it was all of us. We were all part of something beautiful. We freaking nailed that performance. I rewatch the Rural Suite with pride in my heart for this extraordinary group of individuals. They really made my last FCN one to remember. With how close we all got, and all the things we want to do together, they make FCN withdrawals just a little easier. It's as if it never ended. <3

Filgrimage 2016: And So It Begins.

After months of planning, Skype meetings, in-person meetings, learning new names to an all-new team, 3 and a half hours to LAX, a 12 hour flight to Guam, a 3 hour flight to Manila, to finally finally finally be HOME after two years.

Man, it feels so good to be back, and on my 22nd birthday, no less.

So much has changed since my first trip in April 2014. I became Vice Chairperson of AB Samahan. I grew a lot through that experience. I got more involved in our beautiful community. I joined other organizations. I got my heart broken... twice. I didn't become Chairperson. I've started and restarted my personal healing process. I'm on my way to graduating in May. My little sister started going to San Diego State with me. I'm no longer the wide-eyed girl from 2014, but I'm hoping that I'm still the whole-hearted Filipino I discovered the last time I was here. I just need to find her again.

It's strange to be here with an almost brand-new cast of beautiful people, but the story is still the same. We're all just... trying to find our roots again. The crazy thing is my best friend from high school, Roxanne, is here. Maybe that's why it hasn't truly hit me yet that I'm really back here. It feels like home, and with my best friend by my side, it feels just like shenanigans from back home.

I'll talk more about the people as I get to know them. In the meantime, we have an incredible itinerary including visiting and volunteering at fishing and farming villages, as well as planting coral and harvesting sea salt??? APPARENTLY WE'RE ALSO RE-VISITING THE VILLAGES FROM LAST TIME. I'M SO EXCITED.

Though we're staying more Manila-based, I'm excited for the first-timers, the same way I was excited as a first-timer, to just absorb and love this country and community for what it is and what it could be. I'm trying to soak in the happiness this place brings to me. America can be a little daunting, and I need to carry home with me.

On a less serious note, I have a LOT of pasalubong to buy, ahah. From toasted pastillas to barrel men and barrel women, and everything in between. <3 If you're reading this, I'm thinking of you fondly and wishing you were here! It's time for me to enjoy myself. More reflection-y stuff to come!

"I haven't seen you in a while."

It's been a little too long since I've been able to write on this blog again.

It's been about 1 year and 4 months since that fateful first-time trip to the Philippines, and as always, life is ever-changing. My junior year as Vice Chairperson of AB Samahan was wonderfully fulfilling, insanely busy, and it really pushed me to the edge of who I am as a person. My priorities shifted heavily when I treated my position in the organization almost like a job, and I almost forgot to value myself as a person. When I started exploring myself by joining other organizations, I worried about losing touch with my roots. When I ran for Chairperson of AB Samahan and lost, I thought I had lost it all.

The truth is, I didn't.

It's true, I am currently not on an Executive Board or Committee for any organization. This will be a first since my freshman year, and I'm now going into my graduating senior year. However, the lack of a title does not stop me from making an impact. It took me a really long time to realize that, because at the start of summer, Samahan was my everything. It's still an organization that's given me so much of who I am today, but now it's a supplement to me, not everything I am.

It's my last summer as an undergraduate at SDSU. During this summer, I've explored different avenues of leadership and community, gone outside the realm of AB Samahan, and really tried to dig down deep in who I am, who I want to surround myself with, and most importantly, where I'm going.

There's a few things I know.

1) I want to go to grad school after I graduate Spring 2016, particularly the Community-Based Block program at SDSU. They don't treat me like a number, they treat me like a person, and the alumni I've seen come out of that program create change in the community in ways I've never seen before. Getting a Master's Degree in Multi-cultural Counseling and Social Justice sounds like everything I want to learn in life. I'm passionate about helping others in the community, ESPECIALLY on the multi-cultural level, because we're all different and unique in our cultures, and when it comes to mental health, that should DEFINITELY be a factor when it comes to care and approaches.

2) I want to be surrounded by good people that love me for me. I want to put work into meaningful relationships and friendships, the kind I'll be keeping for the rest of my life. I'm not hard to reach, and I'm trying my best to be as open as possible with people. I love getting to know people and gaining new insights and experiences, but the biggest priority with me is that people are genuine. I try my hardest to listen before judging, and I hardly find myself judging people in the first place. I want to be as good a friend to others as they are to me.

3) I love my family so much. My mom and sister have been with me through so much, and now with Eileen going to college at SDSU with me, I want them to know that I will always have been and always will be here for them. They mean the world to me.

4) I am Filipino-American. That's a strong driving force in my will to continue on. The feeling of that self-discovery, the power of that epiphany all the way back in the Philippines, is the feeling I want so many people to feel in their own right about their own cultures.

The reason above is why I've begun writing again. It's time to explore, dig deep, and really start examining the world through a lens outside of college. It's bigger than me, or the person reading this, it's as big as we make of it.

Today, I had some really incredible meetings. I'm helping the Center for Intercultural Relations at SDSU create a set of events for Filipino American History Month in October. I walked in with that priority, and walked out with the possibility of incorporating and representing Filipino culture in any and all aspects possible on campus. However, during that meeting, I got a phone call from my sister.

Eileen: I haven't seen you in over 36 hours. Are you okay?
Me: Yeah, I just had a meeting. You want to hang out or something?
Eileen: I have debut practice.
Me: I'll be home as soon as I can, when I'm done with other meetings. Can you help me with some event planning things?
Eileen: Yeah, I can, just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Me: Yeah, I'm good. Did you eat?

Conversations like this, these little things, this keeps me going. I get to combine the things I love and involve the people I love to make something that could impact lives. I love it. I can't wait to do more.

Happy Easter!

If you're in San Diego reading this, Happy Easter early!

So I guess Good Friday was the last day of village touring. It's been an educating and enlightening last few days. I finally figured out what it means to be Filipino, and that I've been Filipino all my life, in everything I do and everything I am. On a basic cultural level, there is no difference between me, or Savvy, or Tony Olaes, or the hundreds of Filipinos I've gotten to meet. We are all one Filipino people, we all come from the same roots. It's going to take a long time to truly unite, but with these connections, we're on the right track.

I'm part of something so much bigger than me. In AB Samahan, in band, in the Filipino culture, on this trip. I love this feeling, of contributing to something incredible. Whether it's a field show, or an event, or simply finding myself culturally or helping people who need it, I always feel rewarded and like I'm doing something worth living for. This trip has helped me see the commonalities in Filipinos and Filipino-Americans. It's incredible to know that I share connections and things in common with people who live on the opposite end of the Pacific Ocean.

My heart beats so hard with pride, for who I have learned I am and for the country I love, the motherland I come from, the Philippines. I'm so motivated to live my life to the greatest and fullest and ESPECIALLY to give back to the country that's awarded me with so much.

On Friday night, we all gathered for dinner, and one by one, shared our stories. Our pasts, what this trip has meant to us, what we've learned. It was a huge reflection for all of us, to connect with each other and really show how far we've come since this trip started. Each and every person's story had beauty, and hardship, but in the end, we have hope. That's what being Filipino is. Not just endurance or resilience, but hope.

My First High School Conference

So, my timing of joining AB Samahan in spring semester of last year caused me to miss out on two incredible events: Friendship Games and High School Conference. Earlier this year, I had the pleasure of my first Friendship Games, courtesy of my E-Board SB, Dannie. Today, I feel both exhausted and renewed at the end of a very successful High School Conference.

As a bit of background, I'm currently a psychology major. I plan to open my own practice someday, being a therapist or counselor for teenagers. High schoolers are my dream age range. They have so much spark, so much potential that just needs one tiny tweak, a small push or vote of confidence to truly make all the difference. Being a drum major helped me fall in love with this concept, of changing people's lives with performance and unity.

When I got to college, it was that sort of welcoming and unifying environment that made me join Samahan. Looking back at high school, I wish I had a high school conference. These high school kids were so energetic and spirited and amazing. I adored every crazy hour of it, and I only got four hours of sleep. There's something about making a difference with them that just gives a reward back, and I was able to get through the whole day.

Shoutout to 858 and Westview Bayanihan and 951, especially the 40 people who were in the Tinikling workshop. Everyone was so fun to work with, and there was so much energy in that workshop. Definitely the best of the day. ;D Even though we didn't have music, and we definitely weren't perfect, I'm glad to see everyone getting involved, learning something new, or just being able to take the spotlight. Having this group as my tour group after was a new experience and yet so fun.

Shoutout also to the 951 kids I met - new Ading Jelly, Brenda(Briana? Oh god. I'm so tired. I'm so sorry.), Sabrina, Andrew, and Christine. Sorry if I misspelled your names. It was awesome being able to talk to y'all while heading to the parking lot and back. You were all a pleasure, and if you're coming back next year, either as an SDSU Freshman or a 951 High School Conference goer, I will greet you with much screaming and hugging. If I met you at all today, volunteers and students alike, I've got your back.

Speaking of volunteers, AHHHH SUCH AWESOME VOLUNTEERS. The gentlemen of Alpha Psi Rho were always ready and willing to do anything we needed, and you were all so helpful during lunch, thank you SO much. The volunteers I've met today were a genuine pleasure to work with, and I can't thank everyone enough for coming out so early in the morning to help a huge event like today. :D ALSO TO E-BOARD. GOOD JOB EVERYONE. IT WAS SO AMAZING TO SEE US ALL COME TOGETHER LIKE THAT. I'M SO PROUD TO BE AN E-BOARD MEMBER.

It's days like today that remind me of what I'm working for. Why I'm so passionate about AB Samahan, and why all I can think of is how to improve and progress it; to bring together more people, to change more lives, to make a bigger impact. One person at a time. I hope this trip will give me exquisite insight on the Filipino community, and all the why's. I have a feeling it will. A thousand thank you's and a million hugs, everyone. This might possibly be my last post in the US. Next stop, Manila, Philippines.

Four More Days.

There are approximately four more days until the big trip. My mind is reeling, spinning in a thousand different directions as I get through this week to get to that Sunday morning where I take off from America and head to somewhere completely different.

My "before I go" To-Do list includes:

• PSY351 Personality Disorder Paper
• Tinikling performance for Sigma Lambda Gamma's Culture Night
• High School Conference 2014 and all the duties that come with Food Committee
• DON'T SKIP CLASSES! 
• Nominations General Body Meeting for AB Samahan E-Board 2014-2015
• Pack! 

... and the week is at its' midpoint. This is one of those "one day at a time" weeks. Trying to think of everything in entirety is pretty overwhelming. I know by the end, it will work out, and I will be exhausted and excited by Saturday evening. 

I think it will be good for me to have a drastic change of pace and scenery, and not have to worry about American student problems. I finally get to focus on myself - that's entirely new. It's a concept I struggle with daily. Like I said before, being Filipino was second place to being someone that helped or functioned for other people and other purposes. Now, it's all that I need to think about. What is being Filipino? Am I Filipino enough? What will make me feel more Filipino? What's the missing cultural piece of my puzzle? 

All my life, I felt like I was lacking in something. I was already aware that I was giving up so much of myself to make others happy. I'm finally working through working for myself, making myself happy, and finding that balance, but there was something that our Samahan Faculty Advisor pointed out to me in the beginning of the year. 

I have this insatiable urge to find myself - and this links directly to wanting to find myself in relation to my culture. I want to know why I act the way I act, on that incredible level known as "culture." Why do I act the way I do, and how are there other people that do the same thing? My passion and drive, my range of emotions, my undying need to be part of something bigger than me - it wasn't taught to me, but it was something that was always inside. All I want is to know more. I want to feel more Filipino. I want to embrace my Filipino-American attributes, and I want to have a successful and happy life. But I'm not sacrificing my cultural background anymore. 

I am Filipino. Filipino-American, even. But what is that going to mean?

Introduction

My name is Erin Nicole Reyes Vedar. My parents couldn't decide on Erin or Nicole, so I have two first names. Filipino tradition also follows that my middle name be my mother's maiden name. This makes my name a bit of a mouthful. I go by either or both names. This is a little bit of my story.

Both of my parents are full Filipino, with a small sliver of Chinese on my mother's side. This makes me Filipino-Chinese, by ethnic definition. I was born in San Diego, CA on February 21, 1994. Growing up in National City/Paradise Hills, I was surrounded by Filipinos. My mother cooked incredible sinigang, lumpia, etc., my father was part of Alpha Phi Omega, so there were large parties of grownups every so many weeks, my elementary school was majority Filipino, and my extended family was welcoming and loving. This is what I grew up with, and this is where my Filipino roots come from.

When I graduated 5th grade and entered middle school, I went to a majority white school. My mother felt that the academics of this school gave me a better opportunity for getting into better high schools and colleges, instead of staying in the area where we lived. Years prior, my parents divorced, and I lived with my mother for the majority of the time. This began the phase of my life where I put my Filipino culture on hold. I worked to adapt to the "Mr/Mrs. (Last name here)", instead of Uncles and Aunties, and the formal mannerisms of the people I was surrounded by. I was able to fit into my new groups of friends, join orchestra, and get through middle school, and high school, happily and successfully. I thought I had my life all settled out.

I got accepted to San Diego State University, and spent my first semester limited to the people I already knew. I came, did my work, played cello in orchestra, and went home. Then, my boyfriend Michael introduced us into AB Samahan. As with Filipino people, friends of friends were associated with AB Samahan, and we heard they needed tappers for Sayaw sa Singkhil, a really incredible and ornate dance involving a Princess and her court, and crossing between the large sticks.

My first meeting went a little like this: Cling to the only person I knew in the room, Michael. Be overwhelmed by the amount of people. Meet the Chairperson, Lauren. Meet her Ate, Crystal. Fall in love with the concept of "OH MY GOODNESS THEY HAVE KUYAS AND ATES, YES, OH I WANT ONE." Meet tons more people. Meeting start. Be forced to the front for a New Student Introduction. Make a total fool of myself with a loud screech of a mating call. Find Jess during the Iceshaver. Talk to tons of people. Unity clap. Fall in love with the organization. Become wholeheartedly part of something bigger.

Being Filipino, from elementary school, up to the point where I joined AB Samahan, was something I barely thought about. I was a drum major before I was Filipino. I was a cellist before I was Filipino. I was a student before I was Filipino. After joining, and embracing the culture it presented and the people that have changed and shaped my life so drastically, being Filipino became a prominent point of my life. That sounds weird to say, but it's how it feels. I grew up eating mais keso ice cream as easily and as often as other people eat vanilla ice cream. I take off my shoes before entering a house and the first name I want to call any adult I don't know is Uncle or Auntie, or even Kuya or Ate to people close to my age, but older. If I love what's for dinner passionately and hungrily enough, I will eat it with my hands. Everything I do, and everything I am, is Filipino. But why? How? How much? Where does it come from?

That's what I want to find out.