Oh my, here we go again~

WOW AND HELLO, FILGRIMAGE NUMBER 3. 

For clarity, my very first Philippines trip in 2014 was a precursor to the first official Filgrimage (thus, the "My Roots" video that brought many people to the first Filgrimage). I also attended the first Filgrimage in 2016. There was no Filgrimage in 2017, and I did not attend Filgrimage in 2018. However, with Filgrimage 2019, it's my third time out to the motherland and the third official Filgrimage. 

It's actually been quite some time since I've even seen Kuya Tony, Savannah, Kuya Willy and Ate Shalihe or even connected with this community. I don't want to say I've fallen out of the Filipino culture or community, because I don't know if that's really possible, but I've definitely been out of the game for a little while. 

A few life updates?

I graduated from SDSU in 2016 with my BA in Psychology. I was still trying to be a therapist or counselor for teenagers, but I was rejected by programs I really wanted to go for. However, I was accepted in an MA program for Education, emphasis in Counseling. I was able to complete this one year, online-hybrid program at SDSU in 2017. HOWEVER, even after I completed this degree, I still struggled to get into therapy programs or find a full time position that fit me. 

The last few years have been a lot of rejection, figure things out, apply to things, rejection, repeat. I had a part time job that worked for me, I was helping high school students with preparing for college. I would give presentations, call kids out of class, work a few weekend events, make a difference in students' lives. I even held a lead position where I oversaw the people assigned to different schools. It was pretty great. However, I had to be at least a half-time student. 

So I went to San Diego Mesa Community College to learn American Sign Language. I finally had time to learn it. I also took some hip-hop classes with Mel Adao! Highly recommend. The vibes are good, the people are good, and Mel is incredible to learn from. In any case, I got an AA in American Sign Language Studies. 

Now we're getting up to this year. In fall 2018, I started applying for different grad school programs. I wanted to focus on the field of Student Affairs and actually focus on my major instead of having school be the side quest to my extracurricular activities main quest. By Spring, I FINALLY RECEIVED AN ACCEPTANCE. I am so happy to announce that I will be attending SDSU this fall for the MA in Postsecondary Educational Leadership, Specialization in Student Affairs (PELSA) program.

So why am I back on this Filgrimage? For one, I want to reconnect with myself again, realign myself with what I value so I can bring that back into my work. Two, I miss this community. I miss these people. I miss these aspirations and inspirations that helped shape me into who I am today. I miss these bigger pictures moments. Three, I want to pay forward what someone else did for my first Philippines experiences. I want to realize my part in this.

I'm excited for what's to come. Another crazy Philippines trip.

AB Samahan's 31st Filipino Culture Night: Kilala Mo Ba Ako? - A Simpy Post by Me

There it goes, my last FCN. I owe so much of my college experience to FCN, as it was the reason I even came to Samahan in spring semester of my Freshman year. Ate Jess's Intindihin Mo Ako sparked my interest in learning more about my Filipino-American identity, through allowing me to perform in something bigger than myself. I felt included, I met so many incredible Ate's and Kuya's, and I finally started getting that college experience everyone talked about. My love for FCN evolved into a love for AB Samahan at SDSU, and after my first trip to the Philippines, it evolved into my passion for Filipino culture.

I've done 4 consecutive FCNs, and have seen the good, the bad, the crazy, the late night rehearsals, the all-day rehearsals, the blood/sweat/tears but also the heart and soul that goes into these amazing productions. In my experience, I have tapped Singkhil, danced a Maria Clara piece in a Timeline dance, played cello to an original song, acted as a middle child, sang "For the Longest Time," a Filipino version of "Be Our Guest" as well as a serenading version of "Kiss the Girl," danced Tinikling for the first time and tapped top cross sticks, was a hot girl extra in the infamous Bar scene, danced Tinikling as a modern team watching a cultural video, floated across the stage as Sayaw sa Singkhil Princess, and even danced as one of the girls in Kappa Malong Malong. All my FCN experiences, while each was entirely unique, only inspired me to keep going, to keep looking for my culture, to invite others to do the same, to perform and tell the story of our people.

This year, I was lucky enough to go to the Philippines again around my birthday, and even luckier to dance in the flashback Swing piece with Lolo and Lola, the hiphop piece for the first time in the GBM scene, Subli in the Rural Suite, and finally, end it all with a killer Tinikling piece that I was fortunate enough to choreograph. Even when I missed the Philippines upon my return to the US, FCN helped ease me back into life here. My cultural heart bleeds for these days, where I feel so at home, even though home can feel so unstable or out of place. This semester has been a rollercoaster of amazing highs and insane lows. I went to the Philippines with an incredible new group of people, which I still have to blog about. Family shenanigans came up. I didn't get into my dream grad school program. I picked up twin boy Adings and Littles in Samahan and APO, and they're so much more than I expected. I'm graduating, which is both amazing and terrifying. People have come and gone, life has been constantly happening, the wind still flows through our hair.

This semester was so difficult. Some days were so difficult to get through. There were times where I sped through the obstacles and times where I wanted to quit... but there's a special set of people that somehow kept me going, week after week, rehearsal after rehearsal, leading up to the beautiful performance on April 8. I feel like some of them believe that I kept them going, but the reality is I got up for practice every Sunday and Wednesday just to see them. Okay, there's technically many people I should thank for the last semester, but I want to put special emphasis on this year's Tinikling Fam.

Fam, we did it. Every time I rewatch the Rural Suite, watching Deejay get fangirled on and the ribbons fly in Subli, watching our boys spot for Bangko and staring in disbelief at our well-placed feet as we seamlessly transition from Rubix Cube to the Teases, I well up with pride (which doesn't happen often). I would do anything to live in the moment of our hearts beating together, our hands tapping together, our feet lifting together, as one. When I set the sticks down with Bryan, and felt the music coming from those bothersome speakers on stage enveloping us in the tempo, I couldn't help but grin and cheer as I knew, I just knew that we were going to nail the performance. I didn't have to worry about everyone else. For my last dance for my last FCN, I got to perform as myself, knowing that each and every one of you had my back, just as I had yours. I didn't even have to look down for the start of the Rubix Cube section. I didn't have to shout "LISTEN" at the tappers. It just came together seamlessly. I looked up, smiled, and danced my heart out.

The rehearsals leading up to the performance are ones that I look upon fondly. There was Disney Eurobeat warm-ups, warm cheese rolls or hashbrowns, so much laughter, experimenting, running, SO. MUCH. SCREAMING, in triumph when we FINALLY got the Rubix Cube figured out, in pain when we got clapped or stepped on, in frustration when the sticks just didn't line up with our feet, but it was ALL SO WORTH IT WHEN WE FREAKING KILLED THAT PERFORMANCE. The magical thing about our group was that we never passively blamed each other. If anything, we got mad at ourselves. There were so many times that a mistake was made and someone took a lap around the bottom of PS3 in an attempt to blow off steam. I expected us to yell at each other. I expected passive comments to pick up your feet. But we were so full of hope, of encouragement. "No, you're good! We're good!" "How can we help you?" "What do you need?" "Do we need to break it down more?" "Take a break. Did you eat today?" Every practice had so much encouragement for each other. We never blamed each other because we all knew that every single one of us were working as hard as possible to get the work down, to take all the constructive criticism, to take every "and a" seriously. I have never seen such a united, humble, hard working group of individuals.

It's been so long since I have been so close to a group of dancers. I'm so happy to have this unique Tinikling Fam this year. I think of all the moments that this group could have been different, and am grateful that everything worked out as it was meant to. I wouldn't have it any other way.

To Lesleah, aka The Tease - Girl, I have been doing FCNs with you since my Freshman year when you were a Singkhil Dancer and I, a confused tapper trying not to clap you with giant bamboo sticks. You're gorgeous, light on your feet, hardworking, and always there for me and everyone else. I can always count on you to run a rehearsal for me, to have the work down, to have immense amounts of patience with individual help, to be able to get things done. I couldn't have made this season work without you, and I'm so happy to have danced every FCN with you. Thank you for star folding, girl talk, shittalking at rehearsals, and reminiscing the memories of past FCNs. I'm gonna miss your ability to get Andrew to smile, your lotion-scented nail polish, the way you're always prepared on show day with tons of hair and makeup stuff. It really wouldn't be FCN unless you were there, and I'm so glad you came back for our last.

To Andrew, aka Andrew-senpai <3 - I'm sad that I never tried actually getting to know you until now. We have also danced almost every FCN together, but you're always so quiet and so good at what you do. I was always a little intimidated and a little too busy to get close. I'm happy for that night we went to Denny's after practice with everyone and that you humored me as I asked a billion questions about just who you are, ahah. I'm glad we all realized you're full Filipino even though you're the biggest Japanese fan ever. There's a reason you're Senpai, and I hope you appreciate that LOL. I am so so happy you did Tinikling again this year, and I'm so happy you stepped out of your comfort zone to embrace the actual dancing as well as the dancing in the sticks. I hope it was all worth it, man. Seeing a smile on your face literally lights up my day.

To Ading AJ, aka The Baon - I was so excited when you started out being down for this dance, Ading... but even though your foot prevented you from dancing with us, you still went to every single practice. I absolutely mean it, you are as part of this tinikling fam as the rest of us. You have tapped pretty much every part, you've been stepped on more times than I can count, but you never gave up on us. You helped me teach and tap for people when I was juggling the teaching of every part to every person and I can't thank you enough, Ading. Thank you for adding to the screaming, for putting up with all my crazy, and yes, even yelling "BAONNN!!" instead of Tinikling Fam. :P You started the FCN season as someone I called Ading, but I never expected to actually end up picking you up with your Twin about halfway through. I'm so glad I did. You are a lifesaver, and I mean it. You listen to me rant, you carried me to my car when I couldn't walk after hell week rehearsals, you're always there for me. I can't imagine getting through the insanity of this semester without you by my side, my dearest Ading. Please know that I am always, always, always gonna be here for you. No matter what. I love youuu. :D

To Ading Deejay, aka 5 Dollar Footlong - Even though I just met you at Friendship Games, I knew you were gonna be my Ading. I just didn't realize you were gonna be someone to help carry me when I couldn't walk, to bring cheese rolls when our practice needed food, to get the sticks time and time again because seriously, your truck and your generous helping personality are a lifesaver. Deejay, thank you for deciding to do tinikling when dance sign-ups came around, even if I literally had to drag you and Franz to the board. Thank you for never giving up even though you were the first to get clapped. Thank you for sticking with the crazy practices, for practicing basics when you were sick, for always keeping us laughing, and for being so down for the fam. Thank you for the talks in your truck, the infinite amount of good hugs, and for buying food for your poor, starving Ate. I'm hoping you're gonna be someone to choreograph future Tinikling pieces. I'm so excited for all you'll do with Samahan. Even though I'm graduating, I'm always gonna be a text away, Ading.

To Ading Franz, aka The White Mage - Seriously, we could not have survived without you. You brought so much food to practice, constantly making sure we were alive and well enough to keep going, having blankets and the savior mom van to hold the sticks as well as all the dancers when we were tired between Sunday practices. I know how hard you worked to get the work down but when you got it, GIRL YOU GOT IT I WAS SO PROUD WHEN WE FLAWLESSLY PULLED TOGETHER THE RUBIX CUBE!! AND THE FAST PART OH MY GOD YOU BEAUTIFUL CREATURE I'M SO PROUD for your first Tinikling piece, you did so much and handled it with so much grace and class. Thank you so much, for everything you did, for everything you're down to do for this tiny Tinikling fam, and for sticking around, even though it seemed like a mountain of work. We conquered that shiz, and I see a future for you choreographing this dance for FCNs to come. You're witty, sarcastic, savage af, nerdy as all hell, and I'm so happy you were in this dance. Curfew or no curfew, church or no church, we made it work.

To Ading Patrick, aka DON'T RUB PAT - Our Hmong brother from another mother, who blended in seamlessly with the Filipinos. :p you're definitely an honorary Filipino for surviving tinikling with us. Thank you, thank you, thank you for agreeing to get pulled in hella last minute a good... like month before the performance? When I see you in the videos, I think of how far you've come learning this dance. You worked so hard to get over the little quirks that held you back, to really embrace the work it takes to master it, and I'm so proud of what you did on that stage at FCN. You recovered amazingly and kept smiling throughout. I never expected so much heart from you, especially for a culture and people that weren't your own, but I'm so glad to have gotten to know you in the last month of practices, parties, shenanigans, late nights, geez. Thank you so much, Ading, for everything you do.

To Ading Rachelle, aka The Reaper of Souls - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAYING YES TO JOINING THIS DANCE LAST MINUTE, LITERALLY OVER THE PHONE, LOL. Thank you for picking up the work quickly (seriously, picking up everything for your first time doing tinikling and in a couple weeks?!!?) and putting up with my stressed out craziness, thank you for not giving up on us, and being a strong independent tinikling dancer who don't need no consistent partner, ahahah! Seriously, I am in awe of you. I hope you had fun with this dance. I hope you reaped many souls. I'm so incredibly grateful that you were down to be the girl that completed our set of dancers. Seeing your form look so good across the sticks, I was so freaking proud as I saw your hops land lightly onstage. I know I threw a lot of instruction at you in a stressed-out frenzy, but I'm so grateful that you were able to catch it all and make it work. <3

To Ading Mitchell, aka he doesn't even go here - I remember when you first started doing tinikling. I mostly remember that part of the triangle where I'd be tapping as you ran around. Never knew what you did in the triangle, but I know you ended up dancing in my pair of sticks, lol. Your Samahan journey makes me so happy, because I've seen you grow so much and love this community and culture almost as much as you love bread. Ading, thank you for the amazing Ading pairs you graced me with this year, firstly. But thank you also for coming in last minute and being understanding when costume complications at the last minute caused shenanigans. You're totally welcome to dance with us if more chances arise, I know you're good for it. You're incredibly patient, occasionally very savage, but a wholehearted and hardworking Ading. You've come a long way since your first FCN, and I'm so excited for whatever you do next. I'll always be cheering you on!

To Nico, aka nicowuzhere - I think back to the first time we met, talking shit at the bottom of PS3 with Mar after a weird tinikling performance and I'm happy to have met you. We've been through a lot of interesting times in the last couple years, and you're someone I want to make proud someday, through dancing, even though your standards are sky high. You always seem to dance with me last minute, from Singkhil Prince last year to popping into tinikling this year, literally the week of the show. Thank you so much, for working so hard making all the freaking costumes, and for always being someone I can vent to, even if we don't talk all the time, or I'm not in Convoy when you're bored. ;P Thanks for helping figure out the Rubix Cube that one Sunday, and eating all my fries. Even though you didn't want to be hella involved, we always seem to pull you back in. I'm grateful. Productions wouldn't be the same without you.

To Ading Jaslyn, aka I'M LAUGHED - The first time we tried to pull you into tinikling was after hiphop, I think. We were running hiphop anyway, and I was slightly stressed out of my mind. I definitely think I might have scared you a lot when teaching basics and stuff for the first time, and I'm really sorry for that, LOL. I'm literally SO HAPPY that you decided to come back and take on the challenge of learning this dance. You picked it up so fast, I'm insanely impressed. You never gave up on this dance, you were always down to find ways to improve, and your catch-up and pick-up game is hella strong. Seriously, you were so integrated with us, and I was so familiar with your parents, that I didn't even realize that you didn't go to State, LOL. Seriously, I'm so impressed with all you did for your first FCN. Hip-hop, subli, AND tinikling? You owned that so hard. Your parents might be proud of how you did, but I'm twice as proud from working with you and seeing you grow from being unsure of yourself to being able to own center sticks like a freaking expert.

To Timm, aka The Celt - You have come so far in the last two years. I have never seen someone embrace API orgs as wholeheartedly and avidly as you. I am so in awe of all the things you do. Treasurer for FACES and AAPIC, dancer for FTS and PISA concurrently with FCN, and seriously, like a million other things I can't think of rn. I'm so glad you wore that Ilocano shirt with the Filipino jacket in English class, because I can't imagine all these organizations without you. You're this bright light shining on everything you're a part of. You're always trying, you're tirelessly going from event to event, rehearsal to rehearsal, putting your heart and soul in everything you do. You embrace both your Filipino and American halves so fully, it's inspiring and beautiful. I'm gonna take you to the Philippines someday, just watch. Thank you for being this excitable, out of focus nerd at practices but still getting your shit down. I'm honored to graduate with you, I'm honored to have seen you grow with every org you join and event you're a part of. Thank you, Timm, for teaching me to accept the kindness by offering me so much of it. I hope someday to repay you.

To Roxanne, aka Pop Rox - DUDE I'M SO HAPPY YOU DECIDED TO FINALLY DO AN FCN WITH ME. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING DOWN TO DO THIS THING THAT I'VE BEEN DOING THE LAST THREE YEARS. Thank you for doing all these Filipino things with me the last like, three months. Seriously, having you on the Filgrimage made the trip feel more like home because we were up to our usual shenanigans. THEN having you in tinikling with me felt so much like guard. Even though work schedules sucked, you picked up everything I threw at you and put up with my dumb weird shiz literally all the time. I appreciate you so much. I introduce you to everyone as my high school best friend but like. You're stuck with me forever, dude. High school and beyond. It feels weird to be graduating because with you, I feel just as carefree and stupid as we were in high school. I'm happy to always have you by my side, to the Philippines and FCN and beyond. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for sticking with me after all this time. Being able to put together my favorite dance with my best friend? It was a dream come true, and an absolute honor. You mean the world to me.

To Ading Justin, aka This Just In - It's weird to think that we've known of each other for a year, since you went to my 21st birthday party, but I've only really known you since Friendship Games. Tamara and Chelsea kept calling you Ading Lawdy? Lardy? Dude I don't know, but I didn't expect you to pop up at my tinikling practice with the Mira Mesa boys. The last month and a half of practices, I didn't expect to get to know you this well. I have so much appreciation and love and respect for you, Ading. You have so much going on in that flippy-haired head of yours, but you still helped with teaching Patrick, you still have immense amounts of patience to keep breaking down choreo when I get frustrated, you are still taking care of people at parties while I'm freaking out or handling other people, LOL. You've become kinda like my right hand man, dude. We're together so much LOL. You do so much. You've picked me up from weird places at weird times. You're always there for people who need you. For this, I want to be that for you. Whether you call me Ate or not, I will always call you Ading, meaning I will always be here for you. Just one call away, right? <3

and last but not least,

To my partner, Bryan, aka The Banshee of Tinikling - I'm writing this while listening to the Rural Suite, and yes, you're currently sitting in my living room. Again. :P The moment we set the sticks down, and as I mentioned before, I felt the music envelope us in tempo, I looked up at you and smiled, and entered this spirit of total happiness (which was why I blanked out a few times, SORRY LOL). At the first practice, you were this tiny boy that I thought was a freshman, scared out of his mind at the thought of going through the bamboo as it was moving, from a traumatic experience from your younger days. A few practices later, when I made the partners, you ended up stuck with me. I don't think I did that on purpose, but I'm glad I did. I hoped to be able to help you conquer your fears. I was solid in being able to do this dance, and I'm literally so proud of how much you grew with this dance. From screaming every single time you messed up, to being able to help me make choreo, to being not only quiet during runs of the song, but confident in the work. The last few months of FCN practices transformed you. You're so much more... you. I have so much to thank you for. You and the other Mira Mesa boys have seen me through so much shit the last few weeks. Maraming salamat, for talking to me in tagalog so I can learn, for helping me figure out choreo late at night, for loving this dance as much as I do, for being there for me when I had my grad school rejection breakdown, for being there for dumb drama or when I was feeling down. For helping me teach at every rehearsal, and for never giving up on this dance, or the dancers, or yourself, or me. Thank you for giving me a piece of home by being yourself. Dancing with you feels easy, normal. It's not strained or difficult, even though there were some times I definitely wanted to strangle you. When I remember this tinikling piece, the last performance of my last FCN, the first I've ever choreographed, I will always remember finally seeing my partner during the performance, and soaking in every beautiful moment of my favorite dance. The moment of seamlessly getting the Rubix Cube down, of completing the fast part, of every smile, every step, right down to my foot catching the stick at the end. I couldn't have done it without you. I'm happy to have met you, and happy to have come this far with you.

Of course, shoutout to the Coco's and the dance coordinator, my Ading Mar, for allowing me the honor of choreographing this dance. There may have been some bumps, but in the end, everything worked out. Thank you so much for an amazing production and for everything you do. Twin, I'm always gonna be here for you, no matter how busy you think I am. I'm a text away. Hannah, thank you for being so understanding of situations. Your level-headedness and understanding show so much maturity for your position, and it meant a lot to me. Ading Mar, thank you for pushing me to be better. Thank you for supporting me always, even if "support" didn't come in the form I was expecting. You ladies are three beautiful, powerful people that I look up to. There aren't enough words, actions, or anything to thank you for the monumental work you did for all this greatness.

Choreographing this tinikling piece meant a lot to me, because as I've said, it's my favorite dance. I connect with it so much, how resilient the dancers have to be to get it down, how intricate and united the group has to be with the music, the sticks, each other. This piece was me. The first four 8-counts to honor my past - Ate Pia, who choreographed my past two tinikling dances. The Rubix Cube to combine a fusion of Filipino cultural moves with American show-offyness, an extension of how I embrace my culture but connect it with my rebellious Americanized upbringing, my present. The same-side choreo to present how incredible the dancers were, how much joy goes into this dance. The hops and kneels to really make them fly, and finally, the fast part. That fast part was a demonstration of how much potential we had, our future. I never asked these dancers to do anything they couldn't do. I laid out the dance for them, a good two or three weeks before the show and told them, "If there's anything you just can't get down, we will change it. But I know you can do this." and they did. The dance was no longer just me, it was all of us. We were all part of something beautiful. We freaking nailed that performance. I rewatch the Rural Suite with pride in my heart for this extraordinary group of individuals. They really made my last FCN one to remember. With how close we all got, and all the things we want to do together, they make FCN withdrawals just a little easier. It's as if it never ended. <3

Filgrimage 2016: And So It Begins.

After months of planning, Skype meetings, in-person meetings, learning new names to an all-new team, 3 and a half hours to LAX, a 12 hour flight to Guam, a 3 hour flight to Manila, to finally finally finally be HOME after two years.

Man, it feels so good to be back, and on my 22nd birthday, no less.

So much has changed since my first trip in April 2014. I became Vice Chairperson of AB Samahan. I grew a lot through that experience. I got more involved in our beautiful community. I joined other organizations. I got my heart broken... twice. I didn't become Chairperson. I've started and restarted my personal healing process. I'm on my way to graduating in May. My little sister started going to San Diego State with me. I'm no longer the wide-eyed girl from 2014, but I'm hoping that I'm still the whole-hearted Filipino I discovered the last time I was here. I just need to find her again.

It's strange to be here with an almost brand-new cast of beautiful people, but the story is still the same. We're all just... trying to find our roots again. The crazy thing is my best friend from high school, Roxanne, is here. Maybe that's why it hasn't truly hit me yet that I'm really back here. It feels like home, and with my best friend by my side, it feels just like shenanigans from back home.

I'll talk more about the people as I get to know them. In the meantime, we have an incredible itinerary including visiting and volunteering at fishing and farming villages, as well as planting coral and harvesting sea salt??? APPARENTLY WE'RE ALSO RE-VISITING THE VILLAGES FROM LAST TIME. I'M SO EXCITED.

Though we're staying more Manila-based, I'm excited for the first-timers, the same way I was excited as a first-timer, to just absorb and love this country and community for what it is and what it could be. I'm trying to soak in the happiness this place brings to me. America can be a little daunting, and I need to carry home with me.

On a less serious note, I have a LOT of pasalubong to buy, ahah. From toasted pastillas to barrel men and barrel women, and everything in between. <3 If you're reading this, I'm thinking of you fondly and wishing you were here! It's time for me to enjoy myself. More reflection-y stuff to come!

The REAL Candles speech.

The morning after the Debut <3

On August 22nd, 2015, my sister, Eileen Reyes Vedar, had her debut. It was a first for our family, since I didn't have one myself. I was her emcee and her DJ, and the choreographer for the big group waltz-y dance in the beginning.

It was an amazing night.

The beginning, however, was absolutely insane. I had to run sound and video checks when we got to the venue, but we started with nothing. Once the projector and speaker systems were explained, we had to figure out where I would sit to make everything happen, since the original plan wouldn't work. Once we worked out that I would just sit by the projector with a laptop plugged into the speakers, the next problem was that the video was laggy.

So we needed a different connector cable, which nobody had. Cue the semi-frantic calls everywhere as we fall further and further behind schedule. This goes on right until the minute people start arriving. If sound wasn't working, video was. If video wasn't working, sound was. People had different cuts and downloads of music that just weren't downloading, videos weren't playing, it was a huge technological mess. BUT AT THE LAST SECOND, everything worked out fine. Sweet! Sigh of relief, let's welcome the world in.

So the debut continues on. The guests arrive, the big beginning dance goes well, the trivia game works out, the food is bomb, and the ice cream bar is off the hook. Then comes the Candles speeches.

Everyone. is crying.

Eileen is this incredible person, who has impacted so many lives. Of course there are emotional, teary Candles speeches. However, this continues to put us behind schedule. Whoops. But I'm last. I wanted it to count, but I ended up winging it instead. I played Spirited Away in the background and start to cry. She's so wonderful, so beautiful, and she's my little sister. Other people can see her as their sister, either as an older or younger one, but at the end of the day, I was there for her since day 1. The Candles speech I said emphasized that I will always be there for her. If I actually thought ahead of time, every part of my speech would have had a pun. However, in a more heartfelt fashion, this is the Candles speech I wanted to give.

Tonight, my Candles speech comes in 3 parts: Thank you, I love you, and I'm sorry.

 Eileen, it's obvious that you do so much for so many people. But I'm not thanking you for what you've done for me, because we have our whole lives to have that give and take of doing things for each other. I want to thank you for being yourself. I want to thank you for being honest when it comes to how you think about things, like how every day is a blessing. Thank you for trying tinikling for the debut, and for being really good at it! Thank you for the 4am sunrise donut runs and the 10pm boba runs. Thank you for letting me be me, and rant about whatever at random times. Thanks for always making me laugh, even when I don't think I can. Thank you for being an amazing human being, thank you for living every day to the fullest, even if your body doesn't let you sometimes. Thank you for giving me about 18-19 new siblings I never knew I wanted. But thank you for being my OG little sister. 

I hope you realize that I love you, and I mean that so much. I love how weird you are, how sassy you can be, even though it's super annoying sometimes. I loved watching you grow from "Eileen, Erin Nicole's sister" to  "Eileen, principal cellist" or "Eileen, badass badminton player" or "Eileen, ruler of Key Club." You make your own name for yourself. You're a million times more fashionable that I could ever be, and you're everything I could never be. I love that about you. Everyone's right, you will do incredible things when you grow up, but you're already doing incredible things now. 

I'm sorry if I'm not the best sister. I'm sorry if sometimes it seems like I'm not there for you. I don't even know if you entirely need me. I'm sorry for all the times this debut frustrated us and we got real annoyed with each other. But I want you to know that I am always going to be here, I'm always going to care. That's why I get annoying with dumb questions, or weird misunderstandings, or whatever. I want you to live your life knowing there's someone out there who cares about you and loves you. Even if it feels like everything is going wrong, or you feel entirely alone, I need you to know that you're never alone. I'm always going to be a text message, or four steps across the hall, or even a lot of loud banging on our shared wall away. Tete's always going to have your back, and I would do literally anything to make you happy.  

We've been through your whole life together. Every up and down and weird pit stop, our journey of life has always been intertwined somehow. So don't ever worry about me leaving you, because you're stuck with me forever. Happy 18th, Eileen. To this, and many more together.  

"I haven't seen you in a while."

It's been a little too long since I've been able to write on this blog again.

It's been about 1 year and 4 months since that fateful first-time trip to the Philippines, and as always, life is ever-changing. My junior year as Vice Chairperson of AB Samahan was wonderfully fulfilling, insanely busy, and it really pushed me to the edge of who I am as a person. My priorities shifted heavily when I treated my position in the organization almost like a job, and I almost forgot to value myself as a person. When I started exploring myself by joining other organizations, I worried about losing touch with my roots. When I ran for Chairperson of AB Samahan and lost, I thought I had lost it all.

The truth is, I didn't.

It's true, I am currently not on an Executive Board or Committee for any organization. This will be a first since my freshman year, and I'm now going into my graduating senior year. However, the lack of a title does not stop me from making an impact. It took me a really long time to realize that, because at the start of summer, Samahan was my everything. It's still an organization that's given me so much of who I am today, but now it's a supplement to me, not everything I am.

It's my last summer as an undergraduate at SDSU. During this summer, I've explored different avenues of leadership and community, gone outside the realm of AB Samahan, and really tried to dig down deep in who I am, who I want to surround myself with, and most importantly, where I'm going.

There's a few things I know.

1) I want to go to grad school after I graduate Spring 2016, particularly the Community-Based Block program at SDSU. They don't treat me like a number, they treat me like a person, and the alumni I've seen come out of that program create change in the community in ways I've never seen before. Getting a Master's Degree in Multi-cultural Counseling and Social Justice sounds like everything I want to learn in life. I'm passionate about helping others in the community, ESPECIALLY on the multi-cultural level, because we're all different and unique in our cultures, and when it comes to mental health, that should DEFINITELY be a factor when it comes to care and approaches.

2) I want to be surrounded by good people that love me for me. I want to put work into meaningful relationships and friendships, the kind I'll be keeping for the rest of my life. I'm not hard to reach, and I'm trying my best to be as open as possible with people. I love getting to know people and gaining new insights and experiences, but the biggest priority with me is that people are genuine. I try my hardest to listen before judging, and I hardly find myself judging people in the first place. I want to be as good a friend to others as they are to me.

3) I love my family so much. My mom and sister have been with me through so much, and now with Eileen going to college at SDSU with me, I want them to know that I will always have been and always will be here for them. They mean the world to me.

4) I am Filipino-American. That's a strong driving force in my will to continue on. The feeling of that self-discovery, the power of that epiphany all the way back in the Philippines, is the feeling I want so many people to feel in their own right about their own cultures.

The reason above is why I've begun writing again. It's time to explore, dig deep, and really start examining the world through a lens outside of college. It's bigger than me, or the person reading this, it's as big as we make of it.

Today, I had some really incredible meetings. I'm helping the Center for Intercultural Relations at SDSU create a set of events for Filipino American History Month in October. I walked in with that priority, and walked out with the possibility of incorporating and representing Filipino culture in any and all aspects possible on campus. However, during that meeting, I got a phone call from my sister.

Eileen: I haven't seen you in over 36 hours. Are you okay?
Me: Yeah, I just had a meeting. You want to hang out or something?
Eileen: I have debut practice.
Me: I'll be home as soon as I can, when I'm done with other meetings. Can you help me with some event planning things?
Eileen: Yeah, I can, just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Me: Yeah, I'm good. Did you eat?

Conversations like this, these little things, this keeps me going. I get to combine the things I love and involve the people I love to make something that could impact lives. I love it. I can't wait to do more.

I am Filipino.

Throughout my life, I've had my share of hardships. I divulged these hardships the night of the trip that we all shared our stories, our backgrounds, our reasons for coming on the trip, and what we're getting out of it. Of course, I cried. If you know me, I cry when I feel heavy amounts of passion toward something or emotion about something. My tears don't come from weakness, they come from strength. I cry because my heart is so full, my will is so strong, that I can't help but cry.

My journey up to this point in my life has lead me through some dark places, and in that darkness, when I felt most alone, I had nothing to fall back on. There were times where I found nothing to live for, and I got very low. There have been times of depressive episodes and anxiety attacks, and still, I pressed on in my life, looking for new reasons to live, to try and feel complete, to hope and pray that one day I'll wake up and be whole.

I used to live for other people's happiness before my own. I would thrive off of the energy and happiness of other people, so I would foster it in others rather than myself. I know, I know. "You can't care about others unless you care about yourself first." I made do for the last 20 years, I thought, "This is what I'll dedicate my life to, making others happy, helping people on their journeys, being someone to help and be there, no matter what." It was a strong motivation for being a drum major in band, for joining AB Samahan in college, for being a psychology major and aspiring to be a therapist for teenagers.

The key word there is was. Now, because of this trip and everything I've seen and felt, my heart is strong. I wake up in the morning and I feel whole. My heart beats hard, with all the passion for people as before, for the country I love and find my roots in, for the life I want to live, giving back to the Filipino people, to help rebuild and sustain our culture and country. I want to teach the kids from that GK village, I want to go there for a month in the summer or something and teach them music and dance. I want to get them uniforms, I want to find them chances to perform when they are ready.

I want to see the Philippines get back on the map, not just through a rockstar boxer, a famous singer, or lumpia (no matter how good it is). The Philippines will make the comeback of the century, rising from the damages of years of colonization and corruption and natural disasters. When Filipinos are knocked down, we get back up, we regroup, we rebuild, we start over. When we have nothing, we have each other, we have ourselves, we have hope. This is what makes Filipinos so special, this is what passes from generation to generation, something that isn't taught, but something we are innately born with.

These are the things that make all Filipinos, One Filipino.

This is what makes me, Erin Nicole Reyes Vedar. I am Filipino, and I am proud. I am whole. I am me, and I aspire to do great things for a great community of people. I'm part of something bigger than myself, and it means the world to me, I will do whatever I can to help progress and rebuild the Filipino nation. When I fall, I have this cultural identity to bring me back up and get me back on my feet and send me running again. I've found this missing piece of me, hidden in plain sight in my motherland, in the smiles of children who play how I did, in the determination and strength of people I've never met but share so much in common with.

This is what matters to me.

Home safe.

We're back and beautifully tanned! 

Today, on April 22, our fantastic Team GK-USA arrived back in California. There's a million things I want to write about my final thoughts on this experience and what happens from here, but I really need to sleep. <3 Much love to everyone who's been reading thus far! If you want to hit the share on Facebook button over there, share my story if you think it's worthy!